May 21st, 2009 (Revised June 28th, 2012)

     No response from the card yet. Myra joined our group for lunch today. It was a pleasure for me to have her sit with us. She has beautiful eyes and a warm smile.

     I bought a digital camera yesterday, spent $40.00, and it was a piece of junk. I will go to Best Buy or K-Mart to get a better one. I want pictures of my friends here.

     I want to do something for the “other one” on her birthday. I think that I’ll just get her a card with a personal note and  aske her to lunch somewhere of her choice.

     I am protectful for these women. They see in me something that I don’t. All six of them can’t be wrong. I tell them I have them all fooled. What if I am only fooling  myself?

May 20th, 2009 (Revised June 28th, 2012)

     Yesterday I went to see Star Trek at the Arlington. I invited Charles, Judy, Denise, and Myra. Denise also invited Mariah. Myra and Mariah could not make it. One was unable to come and the other hates  Star Trek, but I wont hold that against her. Everyone seemed to have a good time and that was important to me. I look forward to doing it again someday.

      I worry about Judy, she seems to be very forgetful at times. I hope it isn't progressive, she is only 62. Denise is such a nurturer, gwentle and caring, at times it can be overwhelming. She kissed me on the cheek last night. It was the first kiss from a woman in five years. I am going to ask Denise to give the card to Mariah for me.

May 18th, 2009 (Revised June 28th, 2012)

     I haven’t thought about her all that much since last night.  That in itself has me wondering why? What has changed? She use to be in my every thought. From the day I first saw her she has haunted me.

     I would sit for hours it seemed, just to catch a glimpse of her. I would lay awake at night going over the words I wanted to say to her. I rehearsed them in my mind until there were perfect.

     I rushed downstairs every morning anxious to proclaim how I felt about her only to clam up and fade back when I saw her.

     Eventually I did manage to say hi to her. I even went as far as having a conversation or two. Each time though I felt so inadequate, so insecure, that I told myself I had no right sitting next to her.

     The strange part is there are several women that I talk with on a daily basis. I look forward to seeing them. They are a joy to be around, even when they make me blush, which they often do.

      So why do I keep at a distance the one I want to talk to most? What is different about her?  If anything?  What since last night has changed in me where I don’t think about her as much?

May 16th, 2009 [(Sat. 3:15pm)Revised June 27th, 2012]

     Yesterday, the 15^th, Lawrence Spann came to Casa Esperanza with what he called a “Writing Workshop”. He offered a talk on Thomas Wolfe after which he asked us to try our hand at writing. My friend Sybille’, whom I dedicated this journal to, was also at the class sitting next to me.

     For our first writing, he asked us to write about, or describe, a face that we love. Here is what I wrote:

Your face is there but unknown to me. I see the wind blow through your hair, the sun in your smile, and paradise in your eyes. I can’t help but wonder who you are. Are you someone I once knew, or someone I’ve yet to meet? This I wish I knew. What I do know however is that your face is there but unknown to me. (end)

     I did not read this in class as was suggested. Until now, Sybille’ is the only person I’ve shared this with.

     For our second exercise in writing we were asked to write about a face that changed our lives. This one I did share with our group, to a small round of applause and an encore reading which I found slightly embarrasing.

Your face has changed with the passing of time, yet it is the same face. The hair may be a different style, or a little thinner, yet it is the same hair.

Your eyes see through me; piercing my innermost secrets that are kept in the darkness.

Your smile is subtle, told with expressions, and it seems it is always at the ready. You laugh with others and try not to laugh at them.

You share their pain equally and quietly.

Of all you know, all you’ve done, all you’ve seen, the only constant is the mirror never lies. (end)